


Of Werewolves, Smurfettes, and Spirits (Or The Misfire of Stiles Stilinski)

by Porcelain_K



Series: Kids Say The Darnest Things [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Family Feels, Fluff and Smut, Kid Fic, M/M, Pack Feels, halloween fic, sterek halloween
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 07:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5120420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Porcelain_K/pseuds/Porcelain_K
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek and Lyra stuck in a haunted house attraction, and here he was playing voodoo priest over a corpse. </p><p>Yup, this was all Derek’s fault.<br/>----------------------------------<br/>The organ music seeping through the speakers was starting to grate on his nerves, the black light in the room was irritating his eyes, and there was a corpse talking shit about his family outside of the door.</p><p>“Stiles, I don’t know what you did, but I’m sure this is your fault.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thanks A Lot Derek

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! K here! I know I've been MIA for over a year, but RL kicked me in the ovaries. Good news? I've been amassing plot bunnies like a motherfucker while I was gone, and I now have a beta to go over them! Which is why I have this Halloween short posted! Quick notes on my other fics are on my profile! :) Also, thanks to my wonderful beta Mina, who was a saint and always willing to go through my things! Mina, you are lovely! <3 Any mistakes are my own, not hers!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Lyra stuck in a haunted house attraction, and here he was playing voodoo priest over a corpse.
> 
> Yup, this was all Derek’s fault.

**Present (Halloween Night 9:03 PM)**

When Stiles thinks back to the series of events that led to him standing outside of a heavily warded haunted house attraction while his husband and daughter are inside doing God knows what, it all boils down to two things that are usually connected: his body is a traitor, and it’s all Derek’s fault.

“Stiles, I thought this was supposed to be a friendly spirit!” Scott yelled and ducked when a tree branched lashed at his face. “This is not very friendly!”

“Yeah, well when you do what we did to it, you’re not going to be that friendly! I’m working on it!” Stiles shouted back as he poured the holy water Deaton had given him onto the putrid corpse that he’d dug up. By now, all of the other carnival people had ran off. They were Beacon Hill residents. They knew the drill. “Just keep it distracted!”

“Dude, _we_? You mean what _you_ did to it!”  The branch finally caught him and hung him upside down. He looked like a large, werewolf pinata. “Next time I’m making you pee out of the truck window!”

“Werewolves. Biggest babies I’ve ever met. And _I_ have a five year old diva.” Stiles grumbled to himself. The thought of said diva being unreachable to him turned his stomach, but he pushed it down. Derek was with her, and Stiles knew his mate wouldn’t let anything happen to their cub. Lyra was both of their world, and Derek would do everything he could to make sure she was safe.

 With that in mind, he focused back on this disgusting task. The skeleton corpse still had some skin to it, even if some of his face was missing, and the smell of decay was slithering through his nostrils and clogging his throat. He resisted the urge to gag, and he flinched as mud seeped into his shoe. Derek and Lyra stuck in a haunted house attraction, and here he was playing voodoo priest over a corpse.

Yup, this was all Derek’s fault. 

**Six years ago….**

“Derek, they might hear us.” Stiles gasped as Derek rolled his hips upward and hit _that_ spot that made Stiles speak another language. The smooth wall of the pristine hotel elevator was cold against his worn Bazinga! shirt, but the furnace that was Derek pressed against his front pushed that small discomfort away.

“Stiles, they’re Alpha werewolves. They’re going to hear us whether we’re in our room twelve floors up, or this elevator, which is stuck three floors above the conference.” Derek reassured him, or tried to.

Stiles couldn’t tell with the way Derek was using his teeth and tongue to lavish attention on his collar bone.

One of his hands held Stiles’ thigh up as the other gripped his hip to keep him firmly planted on Derek’s thick length and against the wall as Derek filled him to the brim. One of Stiles’ legs was locked firmly around Derek, and with his straining erection between him, he was finding it really hard, and _yes_ all puns intended, to give his fiancee a reason for him to stop trying to fuck him onto another floor.

The moment Derek’s eyes had flashed at him the minute the elevator door had closed, stiles had used a bit of stray magic to short circuit the camera.

The elevator getting stuck between floors could either be a by product of Stiles’ magic knowing he was horny, the semi-sentient hotel they were staying in for an Alpha convention, or terrible wiring.

Stiles was going for the combination of the first two.

His magic had been going haywire the past week since Jackson had accidentally, and he was using the word accidentally _very_ loosely, mixed up powered white lotus with powdered sugar when he was helping Stiles make Lydia’s birthday cake frosting. Stiles had tasted the frosting to make sure it was alright, and it resulted in his magic switching between making him repulsive to everyone around, or some sort of supernatural sex-nip. With the way Derek was trying to devour him, he’d have to say he was currently maybe, possibly, definitely, in the sex-nip zone.

“Just let me make you come again so I can taste it.” Derek panted into his mouth, and fuck _no one_ should sound that fucking sexy and raw in a goddamn elevator. Stiles doubted people would complain about Derek’s lack of social skills if they knew about the dirty, filthy, hot things he could say. Derek’s dark hair was mussed from his fingers gripping the dark strands and his lips were swollen from their kissing. The tight black t-shirt he was wearing was clinging to him  from their combined body heat and sweat, and his eyes were red and shining with want.

“Just a taste.” Derek growled before he released Stiles’ thigh so both of his legs could lock around his waist. Stiles felt both of his ass cheeks being grabbed and massaged. “Just a taste. I promise.”

Derek’s pinky pressed _just_ right on his rim and Derek continued to stroke him just right. Stiles saw stars.

“Fuck!”

**Present (Halloween Night 9:08 PM)**

“Just one fucking taste. Yup. That’s how this all had started. One fucking taste.” Stiles dug in his pocket to take out the paper with Deaton’s neat scrawl on it. “One fucking taste led to that one fucking stop…”

**Five Years Ago...**

“Come on Scott, I really have to go!” Stiles shimmied in his seat. Well, he _tried_ to shimmy. With the ginormous globe that was his stomach, he felt like a beached whale rocking from side to side on sand.

“Didn’t you just pee twice before we left Denny’s?” Scott asked as he continued to drive back towards Beacon Hills from the town twenty minutes away. “Besides, if you’d have went to the diner in Beacon Hills, you’d be back at home on your own toilet by now.”

“But the diner in Beacon Hills doesn’t have that brand of blueberry syrup that I’ve been craving,” Stiles said and started to maneuver himself so he could reach his pants. “If you don’t pull over right now, I’m going to pee everywhere. And trust me dude, this little girl has me spraying like a fire hydrant.  You’ll be smelling it for weeks and-

“Okay! Okay! Christ!” Scott slowed the SUV down, and pulled over next to a large sign that said “COMING SOON…” Overgrown grass and weeds covered the bottom of the sign, but at this point, Stiles didn’t care. Nope. Caring was for the non-pregnant motherfuckers who didn’t have to take a leak every five minutes.

He carefully climbed out of the car and waddled a few steps down from the sign before going a few feet into the overgrown grass and weeds. Since Scott wasn’t throwing a hissy, Stiles knew that he could still see him. Pregnant Stiles had a lot more security on him than Non-Pregnant Stiles. The large amount of magic that Stiles had amassed for being a Spark had diminished to feed his and Derek’s little werewolf princess. It left him drained, irritable, cranky, and horny. Oh, and craving pancakes with blueberry syrup that he could only get from the Denny’s out of town. The Denny’s that only Scott could take him to because Derek and Boyd were finishing the nursery.

“Oh, sweet fucking relief.” Stiles sighed as the pressure on his bladder lessened slightly. He said slightly because his daughter was almost constantly on it. He finished his business and he and Scott continued on their merry way, the one bathroom break already forgotten by the time Lyra was born a month later.

Until a phone call from Derek and Lyra five years later brought back it back.

****  
  
  


 

 


	2. Thanks A Lot Stiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The organ music seeping through the speakers was starting to grate on his nerves, the black light in the room was irritating his eyes, and there was a corpse talking shit about his family outside of the door.
> 
> “Stiles, I don’t know what you did, but I’m sure this is your fault.”

**Present (Halloween Night 8:39 PM)**

“Okay, one more cub and then we can go in,” Derek said. He carefully tapped the screen of his cellphone to focus on his daughter. Further into the carnival behind them, Scott had ran to get them all glow in the dark bracelets and necklaces.

“‘Kay Daddy!” Lyra chirped with a Stilinski-wide smile. She struck a pose in front of the steps of the newly opened haunted house attraction. That pose had Lydia written all over it. Only, it was hard for his little girl to look intimidating when she was dressed as Smurfette, green wig, blue skin and all.

The only thing that was intimidating was the house itself.

It was a three level mansion. It’d taken five years to build in all of its massive entirety, and had opened two weeks ago. Despite how recent it’d opened, it had been carefully constructed to appear wane and decrepit. Fake blood splattered the doorway, and as a person who’d seen a lot of real blood, Derek could give whoever put this together credit. It was because of how realistic the house had looked when Derek had canvassed it two weeks ago, he wasn’t too sure about going.

Especially on Halloween night.

**Three hours earlier (Halloween Night 5:39 PM)**

“Stiles are you sure about this?” He’d asked from his vigil against the bathroom door frame.

“Yes, babe. I looked into all of the ingredients before I bought it. This is the same stuff Erica used when she dressed as an Avatar last year.” Stiles answered, keeping his eyes focused unnecessarily extra hard on Lyra. Derek remembered that costume. Erica had gone to a Homeowners Association meeting in it. She and Boyd were on some sort of probation in their neighborhood for it. “Lyra, hold still so I can get that spot behind your ear.”

“Sorry, Mommy.”

Derek felt a smile on his face as he watched his husband carefully apply the blue body paint on their daughter. She looked like a half blue child ready to go for a dip into the pool instead of the bathtub since she had her bathing suit on.

“Are we dying your hair too? Maybe green like an Oompa Loompa cub?” Derek teased and left his post from the door. He carefully lifted a strand of hair that was the exact same shade as his own and tugged it playfully. “And Stiles, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“Derek! Stop! You’re going to make me get it in her hair!” Stiles scolded, swatting playfully at his thigh, leaving a blue handprint on the denim, before he continued his work. “And no, we aren’t dying her hair. I bought a wig. I figured you’d get tired of seeing green pillowcases and shirts when you did the laundry.”

“Stiles..”

Stiles rolled his eyes so hard, Derek could damn near hear it.

“Derek it’ll be fine. I have to go to the lab to make sure we have things on hand in case Halloween hijinx ensues in other places. Besides, since Scott is still an overgrown man-child--don’t look at _me_ like that.” His _adult_ husband stuck his tongue out at him. “Anyway, Scott will be going with you guys. Everyone else in the pack, including myself, will be joining you guys a little later.”

“Hell yeah! Uncle Beam-me-up-Scotty!” Lyra sing-songed and launched herself at Stiles.

Stiles fell right on his ass with a wet, blue, werewolf smurf smearing paint all over his face and clothes.

“Lyra!”

“Sorry, Mommy!”

**Present Time (Halloween Night 9:42)**

“Daddy, the people in line behind us are giving us looks.”

Lyra’s reminder brought Derek out of his thoughts, and Derek tucked his phone into his shirt pocket before taking a little blue hand. They were letting people enter the house in groups of three, and Derek could feel the looks Lyra was talking about.

“Alright, got it. Ready to go?”

“With you Daddy? Anywhere!” Her smile dropped and her expression grew slightly grim, as if she felt it was a burden she’d have to personally take on to tell Derek the bad news.“Well, except your job. That place is boring.”

Derek nodded sagely. “Duly noted.”

Just before they made it to the front door, Scott rushed to their side. Behind them, the line of people groaned. He gave them an apologetic shrug and that particular crooked soft smile that made people want to smother McCall in adoration. Immediately, the crowd quieted. Derek could already feel their forgiveness coming off of them in waves.

He hoped Scott could feel the disgust coming off of him.

“Sorry it took so long, it’s a madhouse out there.” Scott connected the plastic tube ends of a bright green necklace around Lyra’s neck before handing Derek a rainbow colored one.

“I figured this one was fitting.” Scott’s smiled was deceptively sheepish, but his eyes were shining with laughter.

This was definitely his husband’s best friend.

“Come on.” Derek glared at the younger wolf as they all turned towards the door of the house. “Let me walk in first cub.”

“Coolbeans. Right behind you.” She pushed hard against his back to move them faster, the slight heel in her white shoes clacked against the wood of the porch and the Minion shaped candy bucket in her fist slapped against his ass.

It wasn’t until he had stepped fully inside of the house that he felt it. No, he _heard_ it.

_Mmmmm...Hales. Just what I wanted._

Shit.

“Lyra, no!” He roared, but it was too late.

Lyra hadn’t lied. She’d been _right_ behind them.

Scott, on the other hand, hadn’t been so quick.

“Derek wha-” The door slammed in the younger man’s face before he could finish his sentence, and Derek lunged at the door.

“McCall, open the door!” He ordered as he banged his fist against it before throwing himself at it.

Only the sounds of the cheesy organ music through the sound system answered him instead.

That, and that damn voice again.

_Well wasn’t that weird?_

“Daddy, what was that voice?” Lyra whipped her head back and forth, green hair flying as she searched for the source. Her eyes had turned electric blue and her small fangs slid from her gums. Derek would choose another moment to be proud that his little warrior smurf hadn’t even panicked.

_Stay right here and you’ll find out soon._

Like hell he was going to stay in one spot.

Derek gave up his assault on the door and scooped Lyra up so she could maneuver herself onto his back. She wrapped her thin arms firmly around his neck, but didn’t bother to let go of her Minion candy bucket. It slapped Derek repeatedly in the chest as he started to run down the long hallway towards the stairs of the house, but she still didn’t let it go.

Only his kid would be in potential danger and refuse to let go of a bright yellow, attention grabbing candy bucket.

And only he would be a sucker enough to not make her drop it.

“Lyra, grab my phone and call your Mommy. If this doesn’t classify as Halloween hijinx then I don’t know what does!” He shouted as he heard scraping behind them. He felt the air shift, and he dropped down and rolled, covering Lyra’s body and her damn candy bucket with his own mass.

A glass case with a fake head shattered above them.

He jumped back up, this time holding Lyra bridal style while she pecked out Stiles’ number.

“Derek what’s up? You haven’t started eating Lyra’s candy yet have you fat a-

“Mommy! Assemble!” Lyra shouted. Derek winced. He’d have to talk to Stiles about their codes for emergencies later.

“Baby, where are you? Why isn’t your Daddy talking? Are you okay?” Stiles voice sounded panicked, and Derek’s heart clenched so hard he thought it would stop at how desperate it sounded. Derek replied instead as he knocked a fake cobweb out of his face.

“We’re fine-

A fake skeleton dropped in front of them, and Derek leaped over it. Another glass case shattered on his heels.

“For now. Just get here. I’m thinking ghost or spirit. Knows our last names. Seems pissy.”

_Pissy huh? Your husband knows all about that. Ask him._

“I stand corrected. Seems to know _you_ specifically. Stiles, what did you do?”

“Me? How do I know this isn’t something _you_ did!”

They finally reached the stairs and Derek took them two at a time. He could hear Stiles scrambling to get things together.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Just hold out until then. Get somewhere safe!” The call ended, and they reached the top of the staircase. Derek banked a right and tamped down the curse that wanted to come out of his throat when he saw this hallway was short with only two doors on each side. This was just his luck.

Typical.

“Daddy-

“Not now Lyra.” He gritted through his teeth and went to the last door on the right. He breathed a sigh of relief when it opened and slammed it closed.

_You do realize I can still get in there right?_

“Not right away you can’t.” Derek snorted and drew a sharp claw into the wood of the door. He carved a sigil that he knew would hold it off for a couple of minutes. There was a thud against the door and an angry screech.

 _Stupid Hales!_ The voice continued to curse them as loud thuds wracked the door.

“Daddy, I ha-

“Lyra. Not now.” He scolded as he ran to the one window in the room. He knocked fake cobwebs away and felt around for a latch. There was one, but the window wouldn’t open.

Of course.

The organ music seeping through the speakers was starting to grate on his nerves, the black light in the room was irritating his eyes, and there was a corpse talking shit about his family outside of the door.

“Stiles, I don’t know what you did, but I’m sure this is your fault.” Derek muttered.

He started to feel along the walls. Haunted house. False walls. There had to be some. Lyra started to speak just when he knocked on a wall and heard a resounding echo.

“But Daddy-

The sound of a large crash made Derek whirl around. The sigil had worn out faster than it should have. In the frame of the door was a man dressed in a business suit. Or, what used to be a man. Its face was decayed. It’s entire left cheek was missing and a there was a gaping hole in its forehead. Parts of the back of its head was missing, and what was once an expensive suit was torn. It was also semi-transparent.

It cocked a head towards Lyra.

She stuck her tongue out at it, just like Stiles had stuck his tongue out at Derek hours earlier.

_Well aren’t you precious?_

It smiled, and with a cheek missing the grin was as sinister as a shark’s right before it ate you.

The bottom of Derek’s heart fell out. The thing was closer to Lyra than he had been.

He started to move and the thing winked at him before diving for Lyra.

Then, three things happened at once.

Lyra’s bright yellow, attention grabbing candy bucket started to glow red.

The thing opened its mouth and let out an anguished scream that made Derek’s pointed ears throb.

And Lyra started to laugh.

Not just a small giggle, or a chuckle. But a deep, down from the belly laugh that had tears shining in her eyes while the thing continued to scream and move away from his daughter.

Then it disappeared. Just slowly faded until it was just the two of them in the room, just an echo of its scream and the cheesy organ music through the sound system.

Derek reached her and rapped her up in his arms before peppering kisses all over her face, and running his hands over her frame, checking for injuries he couldn’t see.

“Lyra, what was-

“Not now daddy.”

Now if _that_ wasn’t ironic.

“That should keep him gone for a loooong time. At least out of this room. Plenty of time until mommy gets here. We should probably just hide in here until then.” Lyra’s electric blue eyes were sparkling and her fangs were gleaming under the black light in the room.

He took a deep breath before grabbing her hand and walking over to the false wall he’d found a minute ago.

His heart was still trying to put itself back together and into his chest.

Twenty minutes later, when Stiles comes stomping into the room they holed themselves up in, covered in mud, Derek will be relieved that his little family made it out alright. They’ll all hug and kiss, and Lyra will offer her Uncle Beam-me-up-Scotty some candy for his troubles while the rest of the pack arrives fashionably late.

Thirty minutes later, Lyra will explain how the Minion shaped candy bucket that Mr. Deaton had given her had some special drawings and ingredients at the bottom that made it special for emergencies.

Thirty-one minutes later, Stiles and Jackson will laugh at how Lyra saved Derek’s ass.

Thirty-one minutes and ten seconds later, they will stop laughing when they see they both agreed on something.

Three hours later, when Lyra is back to not being blue with green hair and curled up between them on the couch in their living room, Derek will be pissed at Stiles’ accusation and confession.

“Wait. Are you telling me, that the spirit was upset with Lyra and I because _you peed_ on his remains? How is that my fault?” He’ll be whispering, but his tone will be furious.

“How was I supposed to know the sign posted next to my impromptu bathroom location was for the haunted house?” Stiles will fold his arms defensively, and he will huff his cheeks out in a way that’ll make Derek want to kiss them. Even though his husband is trouble in a gorgeous package. “Hell, how was I supposed to know some former egotistical meglomaniac had been _murdered_ out there! No one told him to cheat on his wife! And it’s _your_ fault because I was so pregnant I couldn’t hold it! ”

Derek will carefully peek at Lyra and listen to her heartbeat before replying. “Hey, my s-p-e-r-m didn’t just magically jump into your you-know-what.”

Stiles’ cheeks will flush that delicious red that Derek knows travels all over his entire body, and Derek will feel his anger fade at the fact that he and Lyra lived so he could see and feel moments like this.

“How about next time, you just pee in Scott’s truck?” Derek will lean over and peck Stiles on the cheek before lowering his mouth to his ear. “Or, you can stay on bed rest towards the end of your pregnancy?”

A shiver will go through his husband’s body, and Derek will kiss that mole right behind his ear.

“Derek, we said we’d wait until Lyra was seven before we tri-” Stiles will try to protest.

“Well, we can go practice right?” Derek will suggest, and Stiles will nod before carefully scooping their daughter up to carry her into her room.

And well, you know what happens next.

Happy Halloween! :)

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**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed! If you're interested in any random re-blogs and the occasional original post and fic update, you can follow me on tumblr at fartherthantherabbithole.tumblr.com ! I've been sort of quiet on there lately, but I'm getting my groove back, so come on over there and let me say hi! :)


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